The Many Faces of Grace, Part 2
Prologue
This is the story of one woman's 13-year struggle to come to grips with God, faith, and depression.
A Theory of Suicide
Her normally clear laughter was conspicuously silent and the smile on her face had fled. For days, my close friend was morose … sad … droopy … characteristics completely out of line with her usual personality. Worried, I finally pulled her aside and asked, "Hey, are you okay? You seem really down lately." She responded with, "If I tell you something, will you keep it a secret?"
I didn't know much in high school, but I somehow knew this question put me at a crossroads, and neither choice was all that great of a decision! Say, "Yes," and she will probably put me in the position of having to break my promise or stand by my promise and allow something bad to happen. Say, "No," and she might not tell me what's going on at all, thereby allowing something horrific to continue or to happen. To be honest, I do not know how I responded to that question. I do know that she told me she was thinking of killing herself and I told a trusted teacher, who was able to get my friend the help she needed.
Since that time, I have had several occasions for confronting suicidal ideations:
"Kraig, I can't do that errand you're asking me to do."
"Why not, Jennifer?"
"Because I'm going to wrap the car around a tree."
"Ohhhh …".
"Ch Smith, the unit needs you to provide a memorial service for Airman Snuffy, who completed suicide last week."
"I just don't think I can go on anymore, Chaplain. Maybe it would be better if I didn't exist anymore …".
Over a 20-year career as a military chaplain, I have been trained in SafeTalk, ASIST, and ChaplainsCare--all programs designed to help the caregiver assist those with suicidal ideations. However, only one theory has come close to explaining what may be behind these ideations, and that is Thomas Joiner's Interpersonal Theory of Suicide.
Joiner posits two feelings which, when present, significantly increase the risk of suicide. First is thwarted belongingness, the idea that one no longer feels a part of any community (family, friends, church group, etc.). The second is perceived burdensomeness--the idea that one's existence or limitations burdens family, friends, the world, and so on. We see both of these present in the life of the Prophet Elijah (1 Kings 19).
Between Scylla and Charybdis
Thwarted Belonging
Threatened by Queen Jezebel, feeling unprotected by his community, Elijah "lit a shuck" and hightailed it out of town, discarding ALL connections along the way to his meeting with God. In much the same way, Jennifer pushed friends and companions away, choosing (or so it seemed) to let relationships wither away and die rather than put effort into maintaining them or feeling that she had little in common with others. In both cases, their sense of belonging to any group or community had been severed. They felt adrift.
Perceived Burdensomeness
Elijah prayed that he be allowed to die, as, "[he was] no better than his ancestors" and, having been "zealous for the Lord God of Armies," the Israelites were nevertheless seeking to take his life. Likewise, when I asked why Jennifer thought taking her life was the right course of action, she said, "Kraig, you and the girls would have a better life--an easier life--without me around mucking it up." The sense of burden has become a palpable weight in both stories and the Shadow sits heavy on each one. To reduce this risk and to provide some breathing room under the weight of the Shadow, these twin risks must be addressed.
Watching God Work
Community Found
When we last left Elijah, he was standing before God. Is he defiant? Is he timid? Is he scared? We don't really know. I do think it's safe to say the he is weary and travelworn. And as God looks upon His prophet, He gently begins to address Elijah's mental health. First, as I wrote last week, God invites Elijah into His very presence. Second, He provides Elijah with community. God opens Elijah's eyes to see a piece of the greater puzzle. In fact, he is NOT alone! In verse 18, God tells Elijah that there is a community of true believers (7000 in total!) who have never bowed the knee or sworn allegiance to Ba'al, the false god. Look at how He does this! God first restores Elijah's community with Himself and then shows him that he is not alone in his faithfulness--there are thousands more like him!
My wife, Jennifer, experienced the same kind of saving presence and community. She has told me often that she never let go of the fact that she is a child of God. Even in the darkest of times, she felt His Presence. She also married a man with a mile-wide loyalty streak. So loyal, in fact, that we slept in a full-sized bed for years, just so we had some connection! For that matter, Jennifer sought connection in many small, seemingly insignificant ways. One night, as I was drifting off to sleep, she rolled over and stuck her finger in my … bellybutton. She did this for several weeks, night after night, establishing a sense of connection in that small (weird) way. I was her "person," of that she was certain. Furthermore, God provided faithful communities of believers for Jennifer around the country and the world (Oklahoma, DC, Germany, Alabama, among others) as we moved with the Air Force. These drew her in and helped her maintain community. In her words, they "tethered" her to the reality of belonging.
Burden Lightened
Having established community, God then attacks that sense Elijah has of being a burden. He does this by giving Elijah purpose--something to do (v. 15-17) and a protégé--someone to care for (v. 19). His purpose is to go to specific places, find specific people, and anoint them to specific tasks. God is very specific in the taskings. It seems He is taking some of Elijah's burdens to judge evil and sharing it among others, thereby loosening Elijah's own burden. He further addresses Elijah's perceived burdensomeness by giving him someone to care for. "Go … find … anoint Elisha to take your place" (v. 19). Elisha is a young man, still working his dad's fields, and has no indication of what is coming when Elijah shows up (verses 20-21). Elijah then takes Elisha under his wing for somewhere between 6 and 10 years. He shows him the ropes and, one assumes, the weight of the burden of his calling and the necessity for running to the Presence of God!
Jen's sense of burden was eased by family. She knew she was responsible for our two daughters. She found joy in watching them play and learn and grow. She recognized that these two precious humans were hers (ours) to care for. This is why she wouldn't drive alone. She didn't want to stick me with the job of raising two daughters by myself. She couldn't bear the thought of giving up on her responsibility. It could be she ALSO has a "mile-wide loyalty streak"! They needed a mother; she was that mother; ergo, she needed to stay around! Along with that, seeing as how I am her person, she didn't want to lose me, whether physically or emotionally. She was able, with God's help, to discern that the burden created by killing herself was greater than the burden of staying alive.
Conclusion
This post is the last in the particular series. Many have told me "Thank you" for writing these, and I appreciate that. The goal was to provide hope and encouragement, and I pray the Lord has used them in that way. If you have found these helpful, please pass on to any who need to read these. If I may be of help to any, contact me with the form below.
The prologue for each of these posts begins with "the story of one woman's 13-year struggle." The truth is, Jennifer continues to struggle with depression. Perhaps Elijah did, as well. Most likely, she will continue to bear the burden of depression; certainly, she still bears the scars. Yet, every bout of depression ends the same. God continues to provide His Presence, His Purpose, His Perspective, and His People to live for. If you struggle with depression as well, rest on the foundational knowledge that God will do the same for you. The Apostle James reminds us of this when he writes, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8).
Note
There are couple of books in my toolbox that I recommend when dealing with depression. I recently read a new one by Craig Cato called Solo On a Tandem Bicycle. This book directly targets the spouse of a depressed person, and very applicable to all who care for a depressive. It is readable, quick, insightful, and on point. There is, as far as I know, nothing else out there for the spouse or companion of a depressed person. My only complaint is he didn't write this 30 years ago! Get it on Amazon and give it to anyone you know who cares for a depressed member. It may change his or her life!
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