Valuable Lessons From Dark Times--Myopia is Real; Embrace the Suck.
Prologue
Are you living with or in dark times? Here are thirteen lessons I learned from living with darkness. Lesson #4 & 5--myopia is real and embrace the suck.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
There's an old story about a man (we can call him 'Joe'). Joe was hanging out in his backyard gazebo, just chilling and enjoying the summer breezes. As he sipped his cold lemonade, his wandering eye caught a small, gray mass up in a corner of his gazebo. Curious, he ambled over to investigate, he discovered--much to his delight--that it was a chrysalis; furthermore, it was beginning to move. Recognizing that a butterfly was soon to emerge, and overcome by the joy of this new birth, he rushed to get a pair of scissors, and with the best of intentions, cut the chrysalis open. His intention was good; the reality was not.
A butterfly needs the resistance of the chrysalis to exit and to pull its wings and legs out of the pupal skin. It may otherwise get stuck and exhaust itself and die; even if it should live, the unhardened antenna and legs may bend at an unnatural angle. The butterfly also needs to hang upside down so gravity can push liquid into the wings. Without the process, the wings remain limp and wrinkled and useless. In other words, the butterfly needs the struggle!
It seems we humans do, as well. Much like the butterfly, we begin life with struggle and avoiding that struggle can have lifelong effects! C-sections are lifesaving procedures, but the "trauma" of a vaginal birth reaps tremendous benefits for the new human. A vaginal birth builds a healthy microbiome, lessens respiratory issues, creates faster bonding, and causes lower rates of diabetes, asthma, allergies, and obesity. The struggle doesn't end there, either. Children who experience difficulties have greater confidence and resiliency in life. They know better how to handle themselves in difficult situations; they learn better emotional control; they know how to solve problems more quickly.
And struggles and trials follow us into our adults years. For instance, depression hit us out of the blue. Mental illness is the opposite of fun, and while I wish it on nobody, we both have learned valuable lessons from the experience.
These last two are the subject of this post.
Are you myopic? Yes ... yes, you are!
Can I be honest? We live in a culture characterized by myopia. Someone offends you? Get rid of that relationship. The car ahead has cut you off? Hunt that person down and shoot him/her! Your family member did/did not vote for this current administration? Avoid that person like the plague.
We live in a culture characterized by myopia.
We live and act and think in such a way that suggests we have a clear vision of the future and what it holds and how it will turn out. We authentically do not. Naturally, human nature being what it is, this myopia has been observed throughout the ages. Thus, Hamlet's statement to Horatio--There are more things in heaven and earth …/Than are dreamt of in your philosophy (Hamlet, 1.5.67-8). The Apostle Paul writes something similar in 1 Corinthians 13:12--Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely (NLT).
Before Jen and I married, I told my mother that I knew everything about our future together. Mom laughed in my face. Turns out, I didn't have a clue. After a few years of living with depression, I once again erroneously thought I knew everything about our "new" future together. Some of the counselors I saw seemed to think the same--
"You don't have to stay married to her."
"You deserve to be happy, you know."
Our myopia only saw the present … the physical … the here-and-now. There was no recognition of the spiritual aspects at play. There was no acknowledgement that God was planning the work and working the plan! What we could see was only a "puzzling reflection in a mirror." Had we not sought a greater vision--a better understanding of the reality we were in--here is what we would have missed:
The ability to give hope to others going through the same situation (see 2 Cor 1:3-7);
Two beautiful daughters;
The bonding that comes from having survived a harrowing ordeal together;
That soft intimacy born of deep, shared vulnerabilities;
Knowledge of each other's real, true self.
The Shadow gave us tunnel vision, put us in a vortex of swirling fog, and forced blinders on us. Putting on those spiritual glasses--recognizing "there are more things in heaven and earth" than what we could see--gave us a clearer vision beyond what the Shadow wanted us to see and, truthfully, saved our marriage.
Embrace the suck!
Pain … difficulties … struggles … push fluid into our wings, give us legs to stand on, build a healthier biome, and make us resistant to life's sometimes relentless onslaughts. Ask any one experiencing Basic Military Training for the first time. Whether they are entering the Enlisted Corps in Lackland or the Officer Corps at the Air Force Academy, they can tell you that the first couple of weeks make them question their life's choices! But those who make it through will tell you that the intensity of the training (i.e., lots of YELLING) built a resiliency that paid dividends throughout their careers.
The show, The Good Place, is a four season sitcom with Kristen Bell and Ted Danson. Wrapped around the idea of the afterlife and what happens after human death, the writers have inserted a whole class on ethics and ethical decision-making. It's a great show! In the last season (warning--spoilers ahead!), our intrepid group of 6 creatures find themselves in the titular Good Place. Overjoyed at reaching their end goal, they are stunned … flabbergasted … gobsmacked to find that The Good Place has a flaw. With the ability for each person to fulfill his or her wildest dreams (go-kart racing with monkeys, anyone?), the inhabitants of The Good Place were bored. An eternity of pleasure without pressure was stultifying. I agree. We humans need to be challenged. Muscles don't build with resistance. Mental health doesn't grow without challenges. Spiritual health remains stunted without trials.
Perseverance, or stick-to-it-iveness, is the act of NOT GIVING UP!
As much as I would have rather learned about depression through classwork, by reading a book or listening to a podcast, those avenues would not have built what the Christian Scriptures call "perseverance," and the results of that perseverance would be lacking in my life. Here's what I would be missing:
"… the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him" (James 1:12);
The harvest that comes from NOT GIVING UP (Galatians 6:9);
Character and hope (Romans 5:3-5);
Victory (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) from staying the course (Hebrews 12:1);
Completion (Philippians 1:6);
Faith (1 Peter 4:19, Lamentations 3:22-23);
God's presence (Isaiah 43:2).
Living in or near the Shadow sapped our strength, flooded us with discouragement, made us say, "We can't do this."
Post-traumatic Growth
Living in or near the Shadow of mental illness is, at times, debilitating. Many depressive episodes last up to a year at a time. There is hope that the Shadow does not want us to know. Depression, for instance, "…is a treatable illness, and recovery is possible with proper treatment and support" (how long does a depressive episode last). Recognizing both the myopic state we are in AND that more is at play in the world than just what we can see is, honestly, authentically transformative. Learning to "embrace the suck" is perspective-shattering and gives us an real and valuable path forward.
Military trainees go through a gas chamber. Two-by-two, they put on the mask and walk through the gas. At the end, before they can exit, they must remove the gas mask, inhale deeply, and make what is called a reporting statement. Only after completing this task, and while gasping and coughing and crying, may they stumble out into the clear air and bright sunshine. At the entrance, all they can see is what's before them. They enter that space filled with anxiety, fear, and much trepidation. But the only way through is to enter the space and (literally) embrace the suck. But once out the other side, they inevitably remark, "That didn't last as long as I thought it would." The Shadow doesn't want you to know that. The Shadow only wants you to see the never-ending pain before you, but the truth, however, is the same. After some time and some post-traumatic growth, we both can say, "Glad that light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a train!"
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